Comments - Latest Popular Stories, Instablogs Community by Deepathukral

Radhika

Radhika — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Deepa what you say is like comparing a half glass full of water to a half empty glass.

both the sides of the story have a common face called destiny. no one can escape its clutches. agreed that your destiny is what you make of it, but u do need a headstart in any case.

One, two, three, many or none, the choice may be yours but what is destined will happen.

My grand ma used to say that each child bring his own destiny. you may feel the financial crunch but if a child is destined to have a lavish life, he will.

hope u get the drift.

Deepa

Deepa — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I totally agree with ur line ’One, two, three, many or none, the choice may be yours but what is destined will happen.’

Deepa

Deepa — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

You cannot chart or change your own destiny. But given a choice at a junction is life, its our decision that contributes to our fate.

It is for the parents to decide for the number of kids they want. Cannot leave it on destiny na :)

Nortei Ocran

Nortei Ocran — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Hi guys,

I also think that the stress of modern life is having an effect on the decisions of parents when it comes to child bearing. I think the stress of today is having a negative effect on the ”family”. This is because some parents work till late and hardly see their children during the week. If they have one child, that child never experiences the joy of having siblings, keeping secrets and even fighting with other siblings. I think all these make a family a very happy one. This is changing, but change is the only permanent thing. I just don’t like the way families exist today but I guess it’s because of work work work. I would like to bring in a different perspective to this topic. This is something that happens in Ghana and I think Africa as well. The parents who I think can afford to have more than one child are having only one child but ”poor” parents have 3 0r 4. This makes me very very sad. You will find a woman selling only fruits in the streets and she will be carrying three childen. These children look very sick and poorly fed. They do not go to school and they will also end up selling on the streets. Unless for a miracle, the future of those kids are not good.

Deepa

Deepa — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks Nortei for your comment...esp ’the joy of having siblings, keeping secrets and even fighting with other siblings.’

You rightly pointed out that it is generally seen that poor folks end up expanding their families in contrast to the well-heeled ones. It happens in my side of globe too. But that is because they are not educated and sensible enough to restrict pregnancies.

Also it is believed that many road-side dwellers increase their family so that they can have more family members to beg and earn money.

Nortei Ocran

Nortei Ocran — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks Deepa. Then i suppose this is an issue that happens everywhere in the world. But this is not fair especially for the many children born into very poor families. I believe a child sould be well educated and most importantly be in the best environment which will make the child a better person in future. Once a child is born into a family that lives on the street, the child is deprived of all these things. Let me ask you this question Deepa. When you answer then I will also answer. If you were in a position to solve this problem (Maybe a minister or government official etc) How would you go about it? (I mean identifying the root problem and making policies to solve it)

Deepa

Deepa — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Hi Nortei, I have no political instincts to take charge as a minister or government official.

Also what problem are you referring to? The number of children per family or kids born to poor families?

Nortei Ocran

Nortei Ocran — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Sorry Deepa, my question was not clear. The problem i am talking is the problem of poor families having several kids and depriving them of a good life. Like you mentioned earlier, these poor families are not well educated and sensible enough to restrict pregnancies. In Ghana, there are some organizations which take care of street children and children whose parents can not take care of them but they can only do so much.

Madhuri Katti

Madhuri Katti — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Deepa,

Good and very relevant post. Shrinking families may not be a good idea after all. The pressure on single child will be way too much. Its not just parental attention and expectations, even the burden of responsibility after growing up will be higher.

I know a family closely, whose only child is epileptic and retarded. They didn’t take a risk for another child, fearing the same fate. But now they dread, as to who’ll take care of the son after them. Siblings are important.

But it is equally true that not all siblings share a great bond to share responsibility as well. These days friendships mean much more than relatives and families!

Good balanced emotional upbringing will help single child to grow up as a strong and secure individual. Thats best what we can do...

Modern globalised world in which our children are growing up is different. I’ll not be surprised if they decide to leave nests early...I don’t know if concept of family, togetherness will make any sense...it’ll be extremely individualistic world I guess...

:)

Nishi Roy

Nishi Roy — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

@agree with you Madhuri, siblings are important, but in today’s day and age how many siblings saty close by/ in the same city or for that matter even in the same country? It is important to make the child as emotionally secure as possible.

Deepa

Deepa — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Sorry Madhuri for the delay in replying to your comment.

First, I would like to thank you for taking time to pen your opinion here.

I too agree with you about the fact that these days, friends mean the world to most of us.....over our families too.

However I believe that for most of us, somewhere deep inside, having a sibling does render some kinda moral support. The feeling that ”I have a family too!” does help :)

Deepa

Deepa — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

And for your line about kids leaving the nests early, lemme share what my teen has decided already. She intends to make it big in the designing world and wants to own a mansion overseas. And while she was describing her dream castle’s layout, I realized she didn’t mention a room for ma-pa. When I bought to her notice, thinking that she has missed out to mention, she quickly replied by saying that we would be living in our house here in Mumbai only. And when we visit her, we can use the master guest bedroom. LOL

This made me realize that she is pretty sure of leaving my nest and be on her own.

Neha Mahajan

Neha Mahajan — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I have seen families where there are five brothers and sisters and nobody wants to take care of the aging parents. As far as having to choose between one or more, I guess it is always better to have two kids than one if you can afford.

As far as relatioship goes, the world today has become individualistic and friends play an important role.. a complete change from an era where relatives were too close to share responsibilites.

There are pros and cons.. even with two children, it is not guaranteed whether they would actually take up responsibilties...

It depends again upon parents but I personally feel having a sibling is important in one’s life.. it is an intrinsic part of ones emotional growth.

Vincent Van Ross

Vincent Van Ross — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Deepa,

Excellent post! No wonder it generated such a healthy discussion.

Deepa

Deepa — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks Vincent :)

Manish

Manish — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Deepa, good topic and very well written.

Many couples today have to face this question and I believe this is an issue most prevalent in underdeveloped countries (as opposed developed nations ) where there is very little support system.

In earlier times, bringing up kids was never associated with finance; like ability to provide or quality of childhood that parents can afford or quality of education and higher education etc, but now-a-days for most parents (I believe for most fathers) this plays an important role while deciding for the second child. Also city dwellers need to think of space for bringing up 2 or more kids.

I also feel its kind of selfish to think that our kids will provide for us

when we are old. People now a days are becoming more individualistic and even parents prefer to stay alone in their own terms rather than be a burden to their kids.

My wife and I both come from family with 2 kids and we have experienced the pros and cons of having a sibling. I feel the pros are much more than cons and having a sibling does bring about a balance that a single child may or may not get.

In fact we have a son and this has been a topic that we are now thinking on... The fact that we are ”thinking” on this and not ”actioning” on it immediately (like it would have happened in earlier times) shows the shift in thought process in todays World that your post is rightly pointing out.

Deepa

Deepa — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Manish I totally agree with you that financial aspect plays a prime role in deciding the number of kids we want to bear. Cause these days, doctor fees, school fees, tution fees, extra-curricular activities fees, eating out, playing games in game zones......and many more such expenses are escalating unreasonably.

One needs to be sensible enough to think twice before expanding their families.

And don’t just sit there thinking, work out something and come to a conclusion whether you want to give your son the luxury of sibling too! GOODLUCK

Manish

Manish — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks for your wishes Deepa :)

I am sure there are many like us who are being more practical rather than following heart, but I guess thats the way modern life is.

Asmita

Asmita — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Both my parents come from large families and having grown up among a brood of many young aunts and uncles, I can certainly say it always helps to have a lot of siblings by your side.

But given the economic aspirations of modern couples having too many kids may not be a very viable situation...

This is where I would certainly like to see adoption coming up as a real option for parents. It could be really helpful for couples who want to expand the family but don’t want to go through the whole stress of maternity.

Of course that would also mean battling the many social taboos related to adoption but if we can just cross that hurdle, it might just help us give millions of orphan kids and single/no child couples realize their dream of a happy home!

Deepa

Deepa — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Hi Asmita,

It certainly helps to have an army of siblings. Me too belong to a family with lots of cousins......have enjoyed growing up with all of them. Though it doesn’t remain the same all thru life.

However parenting more than one child takes a toll on your finances all through....doesn’t limit to the maternity period only.

As for adoption, I too agree that its the most noble thing to do. Giving a family to an orphan is an uber-godly act.

Julie

Julie — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Having too many kids is not a very clever idea and neither is having just one kid. It should be left alone to the parents to decide how many kids they would like to have and if it is just one child then so be it.

Sumit

Sumit — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I agree with you that the previous generation were brought up in a large or joint family. They had obviously some advantages than the kids of small nuclear families. I wonder if today’s generation especially young girls would like to get married to a guy living in a joint family with lots of elders.

Manish

Manish — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

@ Sumit ”I wonder if today’s generation especially young girls would like to get married to a guy living in a joint family with lots of elders”... excellent point Sumit.

Manish

Manish — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Chintan

Chintan — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Single child may look good for economics, but as we have seen in China, the results of a child growing up without a sibling can be extremely severe in terms of the personality of the child. They are spoilt rotten and become extremely arrogant. They don’t know the joys of sharing and empathy.

Ankita

Ankita — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I agree with you Chintan. One child will breed a generation of self-centrist people who can never look beyond their own noses. Growing up in large families is a privilege that today’s generation is deprived of.

Manish

Manish — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Sorry Chintan, but I don’t agree with you. Neither do I agree that one child families will ”breed generation of self-centric people who won’t see beyond their nose”.

I have seen many people of my age who grew up with 2 or more siblings and once they grow and have their own families, they drift away from their own parents and other siblings. I know a family with 3 sons where 2 sons have simply refused to look after their aging parents. Isn’t that being selfish in spite of not being a single kid?

I think its not right to generalise. Sure there is a clear advantage of growing with a sibling, and that is the kid will have company and will learn things like sharing, but there are other realities that needs to be looked into too.

Ramesh Balam

Ramesh Balam — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I am very happy that some one has asked this question. It raises a very basic question whcih questions the existance of a superpower called God who gives or takes away or lives. Can one have a child on will? Can one feed him or take care of him or her? Can one ensure his richness to remain? Can one ensure that he will not die when the child is still a child? Alternately can one be sure that the only child will not die? There are many such questions? I fail to understand as to why man takes the job of god and troubles himself in all these uncertainities? Why?

Manish

Manish — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Rameshji, another valid angle you have given to this whole conversation. Is it really in our hand?

I don’t know the answer, but would like to hear views from others.

Deepa

Deepa — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I agree that destiny rules over and above every action. But that doesn’t mean that we should not think or decide anything and wait for HIM to make things happen.

With reference to my question - Is one child enough.....

It like the beggars we see on the road side....expanding their families and saying ” Bhagwan ki meherbani...wohi hi palega ab”

Manish

Manish — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thats exactly why I said I don’t know the answer.

If you see, most educated people now-a- days have one or 2 kids at the most, while if you look at roadsides or in slums, you will see large families with many kids.

So should we conclude that educated people are DESTINED to have only 1 or 2 kids while poor people are DESTINED to have more kids?

I don’t think GOD (HE or SHE) would discriminate between rich and poor while writing their destiny about number of kids they will have.

Ramesh Balam

Ramesh Balam — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I think you have given your views on the first sentence of my comment and left the other questions unreplied.

Manish

Manish — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Was that for me or Deepa? If its for me, I don’t have answers.

I guess every child comes with his/her destiny in this world, but that would become a discussion on faith and belief.

If we leave everything on GOD, all our problems get solved and all our questions are answered. But keeping to the topic of this post, I am assuming that we CAN decide how many kids we would want and hence the question, one or more?

Deepa

Deepa — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Rameshji, we are discussing the pros and cons of small and big families. Whether one child is enough or there is a need for a sibling is the question. Don’t want the topic to steer off its original path.

I have no relevant answers for many whys for HIM :)Sorry

Reshmi

Reshmi — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Deepa, it was a welcome change to read an article dealing with some relevant topic, and not propagating some religious belief. Your point is very valid, but alike Manish, I also don’t agree that single kids grow up to be arrogant, selfish and demanding, though that is the general hypothesis which people tend to draw. It definitely depends on the upbringing and mental framework of the child. Excellent post!

Deepa

Deepa — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks a ton Reshmi!

I too haven’t drawn a conclusion that single kids are spoiled, fussy, non-social and non-adaptable. I wrote that they MAY tend to be so.....chances are more. But that doesn’t mean that kids with siblings are very well balanced either.

You have correctly said that ’It definitely depends on the upbringing and mental framework of the child.’

Ramesh Balam

Ramesh Balam — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

All single kids are not spoilt brats. But yes, the insecurity is still there. No parent wishes ill for his children be it poor or rich.

Deepa

Deepa — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Eventually, its HIM who has charted out a whole life for each of us. But its not HIM who is promoting this trend of small families.

We are falling for it due to the changing scenarios. So its we who are supposed to take a call on how many kids we can raise....comfortably.

Gagandeep

Gagandeep — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

When you weigh single kid Vs. more, then the former, as the writer clearly points out, is probably a more objective choice from the parent’s point of view. And if we are to worry about mishaps then you may as well have as many kids as possible coz that would be the best way to hedge.

I guess even more objective a choice would be to have no kids at all. Against biology but rational enough. It is only our desire for a being that carries our torch through that persuades us to procreate.

Deepa

Deepa — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Ahhh....here we see someone comfortable with the idea of no-child family too!

Dr.Ratan Saini

Dr.Ratan Saini — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

One Child scenario has too many negatives, ideally there should be two in a family or if one do not want any trouble and want to live alone, he can choose zero.

Deepa

Deepa — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

LOL....I like your straigntfoward comment :) thumbs down for One, thumbs up for Two and the best escape route - Zero!

Deepa

Deepa — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Akin to what Gagandeep mentioned.

Deepa

Deepa — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I think the next time I can post an article with the title, ’Forget one or two, do we need to rear kids at all?’

Manish

Manish — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

You know, my wife and I did a short survey amongst some friends we know and this is what we found -

10 couples we know have 1 kid,

4 couples have 2 kids,

and 1 couple we know has 3 kids.

Majority = 1 kid

Deepa

Deepa — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

LOl.....good job done! isn’t surprising to know that majority is one kid. That’s exactly why i penned this article.

Manish

Manish — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

You know, there is one more reason for 1 kid families amongst the people we know. Most are professionals who have got married in their early 30s or late 20s and have started their families after at least 4-5 years of marriage. Now that they are over 35, they don’t really have courage to go thru the challenge of raising a baby all over again :)

Siddhesh

Siddhesh — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I am only son myself but I certainly won’t have just one kid after my marriage is for sure! As far as economics is concerned an urban middle-class should have atleast 2 or 3 kids is what I feel....and also number of kids should be directly proportional to the person’s wealth. Family planning, etc are okay as an idea but we shouldn’t get carried away with them. Today Europe is a dying continent with growing number of DINK (Double Income No Kids) couples. Whats use of their prosperity if populations shrinks and there remain no little-ones to enjoy? In India, family planning has taken an ugliest form like nowhere else in the world. Reason for that is this concept was taught to Indians to mimic the West — they became aware about it but couldn’t leave their craving for male child. High female foeticide is dark side of Indian Family program...one of the ugliest evidences of what can happen aping the West without changing our good or bad value system

Deepa

Deepa — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks Siddesh for penning down your views.

However I feel that the new generation isn’t foolish enough to keep expanding their family just to bear a male child. These days, people have become more practical and not letting their cravings (of a boy) rule their decision.

Siddhesh

Siddhesh — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Expanding families was better and human than female foeticides!

Christi

Christi — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Hey i do agree with the fact that more and more parents are opting to have a single child...for their own different reasons, but if i may add here for a country like INDIA it turns out as a boon...and yes single borns tend to be a little extreme, but like you said there are several exceptions too, its just how the child is brought up. And for that matter if money is not always the issue i think parents should start considering one biological and one adopted child. I am sure that wouldnt be so bad for the country either.

Deepa

Deepa — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Hi Christi (or Sylvia your name?),

thanks for droppin by and penning your relevant opinion. What you have said makes sense for India at least. One biological and one adopted can reduce the burden of population boom and at the same time give home to all the orphans.

Wordspark

Wordspark — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Hi Deepa

Nice post

China is already facing the problems because of the single child norm.

Single children face a variety of psycological problems and now as most families are nuclear and double income, single children face lonliness and various insecurities and there are increased chances of them becoming insecure, inadjustive,gullible and vulnerable later in life.

Wordspark

Deepa

Deepa — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks Wordspark for dropping by on tis post :)

You opinion is justified. But then again it isn’t necessary that all single children are insecured and face behaviour probs.

Wordspark

Wordspark — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

No i mean ’generally’ those single children who remain lonely most of the time,like those in nuclear families, with father and mother both going out to work.

Leena

Leena — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

You’ve raised a good question, Deepa!

Kids are great fun. It is always nice to have more children. But, you should choose the number according to your convenience. Bring a child into this world only if you think you can give it a good life. Otherwise don’t.

Deepa

Deepa — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Leena that’s exactly what our generation is adhering to. Again its completely an individual choice to decide how many kids he/she can comfortably raise.

Leena

Leena — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Yeah, you are correct. The present generation is planning children according to its financial capabilities. There was a time when there were at least half a dozen children per household. Slowly it came down to two and now many people are happy with one child. I hope this does not lead to childlessness being preferred in the coming generations.

Personally, even I feel that you spend some memorable moments with siblings and it is nice to have at least one sibling rather than being the only child

Asmita

Asmita — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Having grown up sharing every experience of my life with my kid bro, I can certainly vouch for the advantages that having a sibling has. I have known many single child families and I never really found them any better off. In these increasingly stressful days, its kinda nice to have someone that you can share your life with!

Deepa

Deepa — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Exactly, it is very important to enjoy the relationship of a sibling. It play a major role in the formatting years of a child. If one can sensibly afford to raise a second child (financially and mentally), then its the best gift for the 1st child :)

BusbySEO

BusbySEO — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

one child only? is not enough when you only one child. you can feel lonely like one child lonely.